My heart feels shattered

I feel completely torn apart, used, and hurt. I don't understand why people put hateful and spiteful things up about other people. It's like they want to see them fall apart, and feel like shit for the rest of the day. I loved him and he threw that all away because of stupid things that didn't even matter. I will never forgive him, never want to, don't ever want him in my life again. I wish I would have never meet him and I wish I could take back all the good memories because I don't even want those. It's weird cause it really does feel like your getting stabbed in the heart and then having them turn it while smiling. It's that sinking motion as though your drowning and you can't move your legs to get back up for air. So you slowly sink to the bottom not even worried about it because now it doesn't hurt any more. I just want it to stop hurting. What sucks about winter is you can't cover up tears that well with snow as you can walking in the rain. Good-Bye to that part of my life that I never want to enter in, part of my heart that I threw the key into the ocean so I can never open that door again. I gave three years of my life to you and that's three years that I will never have back again. I want to ripe up all your pictures, cross out your name, erase all your memories, so i wont feel this pain.  

Currently Listening Feels Like Today By Rascal Flatts what hurts the most see related

Depression...its been with me since high school and I've tried to control it to the best of my ability, kinda like ADHD. I've seen it eat away at my mom and it scares the shit out of me knowing that someday it will probably consume me. I know i'm strong and I can learn to deal, but what happens if I can't? What happens if I turn my back to my kids when they need them, cry at any time of the day? What happens if i have no one to talk to and everyone turns there backs? It's already gotten worse since I've moved out of the house and am out of my norm of people, norm of environment. New rules, new faces, new challenges that I have to over come with out being let down or taken down. I have been really agitated and moody, life seems bleak at times and hopeless. There are times where I contemplate getting out of bed, whether its worth it or not. It's funny cause i use to try to talk about this to people and my parents when I was younger and they almost laughed at me, at the thought of there 15 year old daughter having something as depression already at that young of an age. I look back at commercials that advertised for things like Zantecx, that helps depression. The little round guy looking sad and not wanting to do things he use to do any more. I feel like I relate to a cartoon that takes seconds to draw, more than I do real people, because I don't have any one that can relate with me. I feel like I have no one to talk to because I don't know how to explain whats going on. I try so hard to be happy, putting on a face...but by the end of the day that's all it is, a face. A face, lying, deceiving face. It could be from all the stress that work, school, relationships, and the wedding i'm in is from. I just want it to stop...

I can understand where my ex is coming from when he says he needs someone to love because its to hard to do it on your own. I need someone for me, someone to love me and hold me when I want to cry. To be there when I just want to vent about what's bothering me, even someone to care for. It scares me to know I wont have that luxury anymore because the one person that always gave me those things can't give any more. I was almost hoping he would just always be there when I wanted to come back and always love me no matter what I said or what happened. Now that's gone and I can't keep being selfish and make him think I will do the same back all the time.

I just want things to get better so I can be happy again, from looking forward to going home to now dreading it. That's my life... 

HaHa was looking through ppl's old post and had a huge flood of high school memories, some hurting ones, some missing people ones..it was weird. Well im literally freezing off my tits lol, no damn heat because the apartment below us controls the heat. So the smorning woke up baking and now am chilled. School was long and boring, and tutoring...well lets just say I was getting very pissed at the kids today. They were not behaving at all, and being violent. Got out of work early today by like an hr and 45 min, so nice!

There are always things eatting me up inside, annoying things that I can't even talk about to people. Its a mix between a deep heart ache and excitment. I dont know why i constantly put myself down in my head, but I always find myself doing it. I feel as though im not good enough for any one to have, and if they say I am I never can bealive them. I need to start making up my mind and stop leading people on, but I know I wont cause I can't make up my mind.Yes I know I can be selfish but there are times when I just don't care. I miss some of my friends cause I never get to see them any more. I am so looking forward to this weekend, well not weekend but more a day. Weekends are so nice and relaxing, I just love it. I can't belive that Im almost 20, officialy not a teen any more. I want to go to sleep but its only 10 and that is not a good time to sleep at all. I think I'll just wait for Jenna to get done with work and see if there's any parties going on.

          Well I haven't written in here for over a year, probably cause no one reads these things anyways. But I have decided it's a good venting page. At least that's what its going to be now.

          So for the whole entirety of this week has been nothing but stress, sadness and probably some ulcers some where or another. I'm getting frustrated cause starting on Friday my car got towed (mental break down #one) and it cost me 125$ to get the fucker out and about two hours waiting to pay and stand out in the blazing heat. Then pulling out of there drive way I noticed that none of the interior lights were working, blinkers, music and most importantly air (mental break down #2). So I pulled over to the side of the road calling my mom sobbing cause for 1) I am now completely broke 2) my car got fucked up and 3) I have to got to work in three hours and look like complete and utter shit. Well my car came back on after turing it on again and I drove home to get ready for hell at work. Got treated like shit by two of the girls I can't stand AT ALL and had to stay till close. 

        I really wish I would have never agreed to stand up in one of my friends weddings. Love her to death but her evil bitch sister is getting on my last nerve and I am about beat the living shit out of her. I will refrain though until after the wedding is done. She has been sucking me dry of my money from day one and that bitch never has to pay her self cause her boy friend and mom pay for everything. I hate women who depend on there boy friends to get them by, they need to be independent and learn to fend for themselves. She wants me to pay for part of the bachlorett party even though I am not going to be there. All they are doing is getting their nails done and then going back to Nicoles house to eat pizza and watch a movie. Well Nicki (another bridesmaid and the one who is stuck planning the bachlorett party cause Pam (the maid of honor and her Nicoles sister) doesn't want to do it, even though it is her responsibility as a maid of honor to) pretty much told Pam that I don't have to pay but for some reason every one thinks we should have to pitch in so Nicole's nails done. They figured that since we can't go to the bars and would be paying for Nicole to drink that this would be the same. umm...NO ITS NOT! The other people attending the party would be pitching in then also and not just us brides maids, and its not my damn fault that Nicole is getting married so young. So I had a talk with Nicki and she is being so kind as to let me pay her later when I am not poor and soon to be running out of food.

      Missed my class on Tue cause was so tiered, and am now dealing with barley affording enough food for the month. Today started out with a test in Social welfare, which is either a pass or fail kinda thing I think. Then When walking back to my house I discovered I forgot my keys in the now locked place. So I had to wait outside in my car for 40 min until Colleen came home, stuff a nasty (I think going bad bread) down my throat before running off to work. The kids were extremely hyper and moody today, and I wasn't in the mood to really deal with them and didn't care much. I got done and had to go to class, which was in a different place today and took me a half an hour of walking around in the rain to find the building. I then discovered I didn't have my homework printed off, ran to the library and found that it wasn't on my flash drive. Walked the six blocks back in the rain to my apartment and then drove back to park five blocks away cause of no spots. Finally sitting down with some coffee before the lecture began and spill coffee in my lap. 

      So i'm really hoping that tomorrow gets better and am happy that I get to go away this weekend to Stevens Point and have some fun with friends for one in a LONG time. Don't have to much home work either and get off at 8:45pm tomorrow for work so I need to find some place to get shwasted at. Am kinda disappointed to find out that the Halloween party that I was going to go to when i go home for the wedding is probably going to get canceled due to, to many people finding out about it. No matter, I will find some way of getting fucked up before this damn wedding. I think I'm just going to drink a lot of energy drinks before it and ingnor the damn maid of honor and just have fun. Now am just waiting for some one to come on line so I can vent more and then passing out.

Yes this will be a fine place to share my feelings, to an inatimate object that wont care how much I complain and wont criticize anything I say.  

Well im leaving tomorrow at 8 ish 9ish. Pretty much everything is packed except a few odds and ends that there's no room for until I get more bags. Its kinda sad how fast this summer went by and now im leaveing. I really wish I had a few more days. Cause now that it's come down to it there's so much stuff I have to do yet! But seeing that xanga really doesn't get much attention anymore I really wont be coming on this sight anymore. Myspace is better, but if ya ever want to get a hold of me find my cell # from one of my sisters or friends n my address is Sandburg Box 2565, 3400 N. Maryland Ave. , Milwaukee Wi 53211-2953          Keep in touch !

                                      Out- Katie